A - Z Survey

Because I need some help these days blogging. And anyone who actually reads this deserves more than me bitching about my Crohn's problems. Not sure this is any better BUT enjoy ;)

A – Age: 34. I do not think I am old, but some times I sit here and am like wait, 34? I feel years younger. Life moves way too fast.

B – Biggest Fear: Failure. As in professional. I have spent my life working my ass off between college and graduate school. My career path is a bit crooked and I fell into the field of TV news 2 1/2 years ago and now have plans for network domination. Slight exaggeration. Kind of. Not really. Career aspirations have always been to be at the top previously it was in event planning and now it is in news. It will happen. The want for success has a fire under my ass. 

C – Current Time: 10:34pm. I don't know why I am still up. I have had the longest day ever. (edit: That was Friday night, it is now Sunday morning at 10:45, typical).

D – Drink You Had Last: Coke Zero. Some times I can't help the craving. Although lately it has been a few times a week. Oops. 

E – Easiest Person To Talk To: my Dad. We are basically the same person. He is calm, straight forward and rational. He is not emotional but he is empathetic. He is also very much like me in that he looks at the WHY behind things. He has been so phenomenal and supportive with my Crohn's diagnosis because we are both research and science oriented. I had one MAJOR phone meltdown in the beginning and he knew I just had to cry it out for a moment and didn't spend every subsequent conversation questioning my sanity (my poor mom on the other hand can't just let me be upset for 10 minutes and then realize I am over it and move on. I am a frustration crier). 

F – Favorite Song: SO MANY. I attach music to memories and can remember very specifically what was happening for so many songs. But one that just popped up on my playlist is from 1985: Survivor - The Search is Over and true story at 4 years old I declared this would be my wedding first dance song. God bless the man that ever marries me ;) 

G – Grossest Memory: I had a cyst on my tailbone that was basically the size of a baseball and had to be drained. Twice. Prior to surgery. I gag still thinking about it. It fascinated yet disgusted me at the same time. 

H – Hometown: Belmar, NJ is where I was born BUT moved to Warren, NJ when I was 9 and only spent summers in Belmar after so more consider Warren "home"

I – In Love With: at this very moment - how gloriously less humid these nights have been. No AC hasn't been an issue one bit! 

J – Jealous Of: non city life. My work and such requires big city living BUT some times I wish I could move to some small town in the country somewhere and live a simple slower paced life.

K – Kindest Person You Know: I have a few people in my life that are amazing can't call out just one.

L – Longest Relationship: My parents have been married 30 years! with a 17 year age difference. 

M – Middle Name: Nicole.

N – Number of Siblings: 2

O – One Wish: for the Crohns'ing stuff to end. and to feel 100%. too much to ask?

P – Person You Spoke To On The Phone Last: someone for work. never. ends. 

Q – Question You’re Always Asked: "why do you work out so much".

R – Reason To Smile: Life. No matter what, stop and realize that even when things are tough we are blessed to live the life we live in this country.

S – Song You Last Sang: Foo Fighters "Best of You" 

T – Time You Woke Up: 7:00am. After 4 5:00am days and long work days my body called mercy and tapped out of a morning workout.

U – Underwear Color: I am in pj's so do boy shorts count? Red.

V – Vacation Destination: I have not traveled at all. So basically the world.

W – Worst Habit: chewing ice. I only do it at home but my dad the dentist berates me constantly. Plus it is annoying. On the other side, my hematologist said that chewing ice is a sign of anemia so maybe there is hope?!

X – X-Rays You’ve Had: hmm foot, nose and teeth. I think that is all?

Y – Your Favorite Food: I think it depends on the day. I get obsessed with something for a while then move on. Lately I am rather bored with all foods since I am trying to be nice to my gut. I suppose there is always peanut butter! 

Z – Zodiac Sign: Aquarius.

TOL: Random Rambles

There shall be no rhyme or reason to what floats out of my head today! Welcome to some ramblings! Linking up again with Amanda for some TOL action! 

1. How is it July 9th? I have no idea where this year has gone. And I feel like summer is going to be gone in the blink of an eye. I luckily have a little trip planned for the end of the month and am in one of my BFF's weddings at the end of August so still a lot to look forward to; but I feel like Labor Day will be here before we know it. 
2. My daily weight fluctuation amuse me. Yes I weigh myself daily. Lately more to do with monitoring hydration when I run (my gym is basically the same temp as outdoors and I have been sweating buckets so trying to manage that). An example, I was 6 lbs lighter yesterday than today. I laugh. And I also laugh when others will be like: I lost x amount of pounds in a day. LOL. I want to give them a crash course in science. You didn't. 
3. Does anyone else get anxiety when they have someone coming to clean their apartment about getting it clean before they clean or is that just me? I am already a neat freak but I have my service coming tonight and had to make sure everything was perfect when I left this morning. I have issues, I readily admit this. I don't think I will ever be able to share a home with someone again. 
4. Remember that wedding stress - now that I have basically paid for everything for them I am so less stressed. Now to just recoup and save so I can go on the cruise I want. Solo. Yup heard that right, I plan on taking a trip on my own and just relishing in doing whatever I want. Also if peeps have cruise advice send it my way. Never been! 
5. My GI doc has finally decided I need to get IV iron infusions. I get super happy to get locked up with a needle for Remicade but this even makes me happier! I am f*cking exhausted 24/7 and after last weeks blood panels came back - my iron levels went down back to basically zero, and he has me going to a hematologist next week to begin the process (I've been on iron supplements for 6+ months but obviously not working + they cause GI distress not fun on top of already tons of it!). Dealing with anemia is no joke. I am vainly concerned with my hair loss I feel like I lose so much daily - I don't want to go bald. 
6. So I am also back on PREDNISONE (and writing that reminded me to take it). Argh. But since remicade isn't fully working to remission they are hoping a short tapered dose does the trick. I have not lost my shit, YET, but I am hanging on by a thread and feel like a melt down is in the works :) 
7. I have never been more thankful for work being busy. And my boss being so understanding. Seriously, I have the best boss. Between his trust in me at work and his attitude in making sure my health comes first, I am lucky. I have guilt on guilt over how much Crohn's has interfered with work and doctors appointments and just needing sick days but he has always said, whatever needs to be done, do. But like last week remicade was moved to 9am so I came in at 6am to make up those 3 hours I would be gone. Not the best move in retrospect because I exhausted myself (and probably contributed to being sick for the 4th) but that is just the Type A person in me coming out. 
8. I am going strong on not giving into buying an AC unit for my apartment. At this point I look at that money and some of the things I want to do and am like, I will WIN! Gianna - 1, Summer - 0  I am just happy my hair is straightened so it air dries fantastically because blow drying is not happening. 
9. I have been creeping up on the 30 mile mark for mileage per week and being that I am shackled to the treadmill I have finally started to add some "hill" work into my routine. Well, once. This week. And my legs felt the burn so let's hold off before we say this is becomes routine I suppose, lol. 
10. I THINK I found the perfect dress for my sisters wedding. She is not having bridesmaids but my sister and I are her witnesses and she told us long and black and I found a FABULOUS Chan Luu from Calypso St. Barth - now waiting on it's arrival and if it fits. 

Luckily I am going to stop there for you, but I could go on and on and on. Hope everyone is having a fabulous week and hallelujah it is almost the weekend! 

TOL: Running Without a Goal

Because I had so much fun last week rambling, I thought I would join up again with the Blog World today for a little thinking out loud!

After talking to my doctor yesterday at the beginning of my Remicade infusion I started to think about my future and running. 

I made a comment that I was grateful I could actually run and maybe my destiny was slow treadmill miles, and he said no, that would not be acceptable that we needed to get full remission. 

I feel kind of lost right now with no goal in mind. 

I am so used to having some sort of end game for why I am running that it seems odd my race calendar has been totally empty for months. 

Minus this beauty, the Brew Mile, which I am sure is just perfect for my not really drinking lately self! 

I am working on having a solid base built for the if and when I can train but I really don't know what my goal will be. 

I do know after a couple years and 5 marathons + 1 ultra marathon that I am really not wanting to do that for a little while. 

Then I think I want to focus on some fall half marathons but honestly training pretty much knowing you have no hopes of a PR (1:53) is kind of sad (or is that just super competitive me being a brat?). Even in order to snag some PR's in shorter distances requires 8 min miles or so. 

I very much enjoy running and am not going to stop just because I don't have a goal in mind but it would be nice to work toward something. Lately I have felt my legs have a lot to give if only my whole body would cooperate and just let me run...without needing to run to the bathroom ;) 

I have tried to integrate more non running things into my life. I attempted to jump on the yoga bandwagon - that didn't last. I go in and out of love for group fitness classes - I think that lately is more due to not wanting to be constrained to their schedules (I've been coming into work really early lately so I can try and be out by 4 - doesn't always work that I can leave, but I try!). I just always come back to running. 

I guess any fall races will be determined by if and when I am feeling like I can actually run outside. I hate summer running and the humidity but I love that it is so good for training. 

Right now I am just embracing the miles as I run them and am hopefully soon enough I can hit that register button on a race! 

29 Miles

I know that my mood has been down lately and honestly I feel entitled to feel that way given that physically I just don’t feel like myself.

However, I am attempting to look more at the POSITIVES versus harboring on the negatives.

Case and point.

As I logged my 7.5 mile run yesterday immediately I was sitting there thinking, well only 2 bathroom stops today instead of 3 during my 6 mile run yesterday, I guess that is something.

Then I saw my tally of mileage for the week at 29 (ok, a TAD BUMMED I didn’t hit 30 and almost hopped back on the treadmill to get there).

Progress! 

Curious I looked back to see when the last time I hit that mileage was, and it was back during the week of NYCM.

After NYCM I dealt with a stress fracture and was diagnosed with Crohn’s so life has been a roller coaster since.

But you know what, I am healthy enough to have run 5 days last week, cross trained another and only took one rest day. If I was training for something that would pretty much be my training schedule. 

I might still be stuck on the treadmill (both by necessity and by straight up fear of the bathroomless outdoors) but I am running.

I might be slow as hell the majority of days, but I am still putting one foot in front of the other doing something I love.

My faith and patience have been tested as I am not having the progress with treatment that I would like. Most days I wonder if this is life, or if I just need to give it more time.

I feel like a broken records of excuses and complaints some days of being tired, wanting to sleep in my own bed etc. but the truth is it could be worse. It was worse, I experienced it.

So seeing that 29 for total miles last week I made the choice to try and see it all in a more positive light. I am by nature a VERY positive, light at the end of the tunnel, things are better than they seem type person and need to stop letting Crohn’s shit (lol) get me down.

I have another round of remicade this week so hopefully that helps plus some face time with my doctor to figure out how to tweak my treatment to get me symptom free. Because I would love that.

So here is to seeking out the positives instead of focusing on the negatives. Because seriously who needs the negatives weighing them down?

The One Where I Complain a Bit - TOL

I have never linked up for one of these Thinking Out Loud posts but I have random things on my mind and seemed like the perfect opportunity to join in the fun. Although be warned, like the title says I am going to complain.

I’m stressed lately which just annoys the hell out of me because I am pretty laid back and go with the flow for the most part.

It’s wedding season – as I am sure your IG, FB, Twitter etc. feeds remind you of every weekend. This year is just like the past couple and I have a few weddings to attend/be in.

While of course I am HONORED to be a part of the weddings of those so close to me (and they are always fun) they are bankrupting me. To the point of resentment. And then I feel like the most awful person in the world for resenting them at this happiest time of their life.

But seriously, it is getting so expensive. I make a “comfortable” living. As in, I can provide for myself, living on my own in NYC, pay my bills and do fun stuff. But throw in these wedding shenanigans and well let's just say I have had some moments of checking my bank account daily. For the past 3 years I have had to put what I want to do on hold because they eat away at my savings. And yes I know I can say no and I have; and also have said no to some away weekends because, rent and bills and single income (marriage and double income is growing on me). 

And now I feel like a more awful person. And broke. Awful and broke. Sigh.

Then there is my favorite thing to bitch about, Crohn’s. I am coming up on a remicade infusion next week but right now I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. Each day this week I have contemplated calling out sick because I am so effing exhausted. 

** Edited to note: I wrote this Tuesday - I had to call out sick today after being up all night nauseous - and never knowing if it is from something I ate or if it is the Crohn's but just could NOT get it together to get to work, my body said no. But of course have been doing work for the past 2 hours at home and currently on a call. #sotired **

But then I berate myself because being this tired for no apparent reason (okay anemia, and Crohn’s) makes me feel lazy. I don’t want to run, I want to go to my couch. But I force myself to run, because I feel like I am whining about being tired and feeling like crap and I should suck it up.

Then it gets me thinking is this life? Will I get about 4-5 weeks of feeling good every 8 between infusions? Do I just need to learn that this is as good as it gets and to just be thankful it isn’t as bad as it was Nov – Feb?

Am I sounding dramatic much?

I had a couple weeks of feeling really good and then it hit me this week in the face like a ton of bricks. And then my doctor’s office tried to put my infusion off 5 extra days because MY DOCTOR WANTS TO LEAVE FOR VACATION EARLY. Don’t even let me get started again on that one. Especially since I am not in remission.

I am really not that miserable. Finances are just tight and I am not feeling my best which annoys me.

Getting a taste of feeling REALLY GOOD for a couple weeks and then having that snatched away is disheartening.

The BF tells me how strong he thinks I am for the past 9 months or so dealing daily with not feeling well for the most part but I just feel weak for letting it get to me.

I am learning to roll with it. I had some really amazing runs when feeling more energetic that gave me hope that I someday can get back to being the runner I once was. Right now though with my energy lagging, I still am logging miles but if my body tells me 11 min miles are where it’s at, then I try to respect that – and remember at the end of the day – at least I CAN run.

So that concludes my first TOL.

If you are still with me, thank you. And seriously – I am just having a bad week and needed to get that all off my chest!

It’s almost Friday, right?

Vacation Balance

This past weekend, I spent a long weekend celebrating my sister’s bachelorette in Miami.

One of the things I like the most was that in the planning stages she requested various classes that she wanted to attend while we were there.

I am one of those people that genuinely ENJOYS working out and while yes I suffer from days where I have to kind of drag myself to it, I feel worse if I don’t move my body somehow.

And let’s be honest, when you are in Miami and rocking a bikini the majority of the day – you WANT to do some sort of workout to feel your best (or maybe that is just me…).

So luckily I was able to get in something each day.

Thursday – we all arrived late morning and went to an evening barre class at Exhale

Friday – we started the day with an early morning Flywheel class and I wound up running and lifting at night while they got their blowouts (yay for Japanese straightening, a blowout is kind of counterproductive since it does not get frizzy at all).

Saturday – repeated the same and hit up Flywheel first thing

Sunday – I was CRAVING some alone time before leaving and ran a little over 8 miles (on the ‘mill because Miami humidity and heat is already ridic at 8am).

Getting in something each day definitely had me feeling my best as I threw on my bikini! I know I don’t have a “perfect” body but, I am damn proud of the work I have done this year to try and whip it back into stronger shape.

Then for eats, each night there was a dinner planned. It was nice knowing where we were going each night to plan ahead meal wise (especially since my Crohn’s hasn’t had me feeling that great). We hit up some great spots: Lure, Katsuya and Prime One Twelve – all meals to die for!

I refrained from any day drinking the first two days and only had one at each dinner. The final day we had a cabana (we were staying at the Delano) so there was a little champagne during the day and then the night I had more than one drink ;)

Overall even though I am super tired and in post vaca coma I am happy that I was able to both stick to routine without feeling like an outsider because of it and also party it up! (I am way too old for the late nights – dinner wasn’t until 9pm each day, YAWN).

AND obviously so much fun to celebrate with my sister! 

Sister shot! 

Working On Nutrition

Happy Friday to me! 

I am taking off tomorrow and couldn't be happier. I have a few weeks of vaca accrued (because apparently I like to hoard it all and realized I am close to a month and continually accruing) and am going to begin taking some much needed longer weekends and mental health days.

But anyways, back to the point. 

This week I took a step that I have been meaning to for quite some time. I finally had an appointment with an RDN, I went to the awesome people at Nutrition Energy.

This is a three fold situation, so I walked in with these goals:

• MOST importantly - start to address if I have food intolerance's that make my Crohn's worse. I am not in remission yet (that is for another time...) but I want to start looking to food and how it might be effecting my GI system now that I am at about 80%. As I told my awesome RDN Chris, I am so used to not feeling well that I don't know if it is Crohn's at this point all the time or some food choices are exacerbating GI distress. 
• I want to lose some more weight. I have managed to get down about 12 pounds and hold steady but I want to drop more. I am not "overweight" but I know I have some fat to lose. Not number focused but want to focus on more muscle/less fat. Maybe abs? (<-- lol probably not, ever)
• Eventually turn it into performance based nutrition guidance. I know I am not doing a full this fall BUT I would like to conquer some half's and I want to fine tune training and nutrition. But this is down the road. 

And boy did he listen to EVERYTHING. After almost 2 hours together I walked out with a plan to begin. 

It is just going back to the basic and listening to my body. Really paying attention to how I feel after eating certain foods. For example he was super surprised I eat a quest bar most days because they tend to hurt the stomach. Well, me, my stomach usually "hurts" to some degree. Is it the quest bar? or is it the Crohn's? (please god don't make me give them up). 

As far as weight loss - he gave me guidelines and it is back to macros for me - at a 50/25/25 split. He also gave me in terms of "exchanges" (i.e. 1 slice of bread = 1 carb exchange) and those targets. That will take some time to get the hang of. The goal is to bring him back my food diary from 2 weekdays / 1 weekend day. And, basically will be practicing 90/10 as far as wholesome/wine (bc summer and bubbly/rose which will be that 10% ;)

On our next appointment in a couple weeks we are going to do Metabolic Rate Testing (RMR) which I am SUPER excited about. I really want to know where my metabolism is at plus I am a numbers person and want to know that daily number. 

So after a couple days what I have I learned?

Holy undereating carbs batman. As in maybe 30% of my "normal" diet is carbs. Things that probably also explain my late night hunger that leads to binges. 

Also undereating calories. Struggle bus realizing I was at 1300 on a "normal" day. He has me at 1900. 

No wonder I am probably plateauing. (okay no I am holding steady at this weight because I have def loosened the eating reigns a little; while most days yes I am undereating I make up for it on my 2-3 meals out - I am lucky I didn't gain back any pounds!)

So I am focusing on adding back in more of the good carbs, quinoa, bulgar, brown rice etc. Also going to try and stop my quest bar breakfast habit. I hate breakfast and eating early (which he also said don't force it, and always just eat when officially hungry) and the quest bar is my bargain for getting something in me. Case and point I have been up since 5:30 and 3 hours later have not eaten anything and am fine. 

So that is where I am at. I feel lucky that my insurance is pretty darn great - I get unlimited visits to work with him and I am taking advantage. 

Yes, being more on top of my nutrition will be a pain in the ass but hopefully I get better at eyeballing the macros after a couple weeks. But for now, back to my fitness pal!