Thursday, June 25, 2015

The One Where I Complain a Bit - TOL

I have never linked up for one of these Thinking Out Loud posts but I have random things on my mind and seemed like the perfect opportunity to join in the fun. Although be warned, like the title says I am going to complain.

I’m stressed lately which just annoys the hell out of me because I am pretty laid back and go with the flow for the most part.

It’s wedding season – as I am sure your IG, FB, Twitter etc. feeds remind you of every weekend. This year is just like the past couple and I have a few weddings to attend/be in.

While of course I am HONORED to be a part of the weddings of those so close to me (and they are always fun) they are bankrupting me. To the point of resentment. And then I feel like the most awful person in the world for resenting them at this happiest time of their life.

But seriously, it is getting so expensive. I make a “comfortable” living. As in, I can provide for myself, living on my own in NYC, pay my bills and do fun stuff. But throw in these wedding shenanigans and well let's just say I have had some moments of checking my bank account daily. For the past 3 years I have had to put what I want to do on hold because they eat away at my savings. And yes I know I can say no and I have; and also have said no to some away weekends because, rent and bills and single income (marriage and double income is growing on me). 

And now I feel like a more awful person. And broke. Awful and broke. Sigh.

Then there is my favorite thing to bitch about, Crohn’s. I am coming up on a remicade infusion next week but right now I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. Each day this week I have contemplated calling out sick because I am so effing exhausted. 

** Edited to note: I wrote this Tuesday - I had to call out sick today after being up all night nauseous - and never knowing if it is from something I ate or if it is the Crohn's but just could NOT get it together to get to work, my body said no. But of course have been doing work for the past 2 hours at home and currently on a call. #sotired **

But then I berate myself because being this tired for no apparent reason (okay anemia, and Crohn’s) makes me feel lazy. I don’t want to run, I want to go to my couch. But I force myself to run, because I feel like I am whining about being tired and feeling like crap and I should suck it up.

Then it gets me thinking is this life? Will I get about 4-5 weeks of feeling good every 8 between infusions? Do I just need to learn that this is as good as it gets and to just be thankful it isn’t as bad as it was Nov – Feb?

Am I sounding dramatic much?

I had a couple weeks of feeling really good and then it hit me this week in the face like a ton of bricks. And then my doctor’s office tried to put my infusion off 5 extra days because MY DOCTOR WANTS TO LEAVE FOR VACATION EARLY. Don’t even let me get started again on that one. Especially since I am not in remission.

I am really not that miserable. Finances are just tight and I am not feeling my best which annoys me.

Getting a taste of feeling REALLY GOOD for a couple weeks and then having that snatched away is disheartening.

The BF tells me how strong he thinks I am for the past 9 months or so dealing daily with not feeling well for the most part but I just feel weak for letting it get to me.

I am learning to roll with it. I had some really amazing runs when feeling more energetic that gave me hope that I someday can get back to being the runner I once was. Right now though with my energy lagging, I still am logging miles but if my body tells me 11 min miles are where it’s at, then I try to respect that – and remember at the end of the day – at least I CAN run.

So that concludes my first TOL.

If you are still with me, thank you. And seriously – I am just having a bad week and needed to get that all off my chest!

It’s almost Friday, right?


  1. Oh wow, so sorry you feel that way about all the weddings.I totally get how hard that must be financially. You are wise to listen to your body and do what feels right. Hugs!

    1. I do love them I don't want it to come off as totally resentful - just complaining that my savings is wiped out and my own vacation might not happen anymore! now that the bachelorette weekends are over I can save again and be less stressed :) and thank you!

  2. Everyone is allowed to complain once in a while -- no need to apologize. You should see me when I'm not feeling well... I become insufferable :P That being said, I do hope that you do start feeling better soon. Sending good vibes!

    1. I hate complaining - I am one who holds it in until the last moment because I don't want to come off needy! Thanks for hosting - looking forward to more Thursdays - with less complaining ;)

  3. I would totally punch your doctor in the face. Or in the gut, so that they can know how it feels. And everyone needs to unload from time to time--otherwise, we would actually explode, rather than just feel like it. And wedding season is awesome, but it can make you go broke pretty quickly. I mean, how are you supposed to choose between your friends?

    1. Yes I tend to get to the brink, lose it and then 5 mins later be fine (aka how I felt after posting - I am a lot more zen)
      Wednesday morning at my remicade my doc will be getting one hell of an earful! I am really disheartened - I know we all have a personal life but as a doctor you have a responsibility to your patients, just comes with the territory.
      And thank you I love your support :)

  4. Ugh - I know how frustrating these times can be. I have been having a difficult time recently, and it's so easy to have the littliest things bother us when it seems like our world is crumbling. Like I told my mom, things that are unhappy in other peoples lives (jobs, bad week at work, plans fell through with friends) change. And usually get better. But I will always have Crohn's and sometimes it's an absolute emotional drain. I feel your pain and I am totally here for you to vent to :) I hope you feel better soon and get some relief :)

    1. I know it seems you have been having a really tough time yourself as well - sending hugs your way! It is a whole different ballgame with Crohn's - and lately I keep thinking about the permanence of it. It is really hard to explain to people how you can play by all your "safe" rules (food choices, sleep, work, stress level etc) and yet you still feel like hell. Hoping things turn around for us both soon!