TOL: Running Without a Goal

Because I had so much fun last week rambling, I thought I would join up again with the Blog World today for a little thinking out loud!

After talking to my doctor yesterday at the beginning of my Remicade infusion I started to think about my future and running. 

I made a comment that I was grateful I could actually run and maybe my destiny was slow treadmill miles, and he said no, that would not be acceptable that we needed to get full remission. 

I feel kind of lost right now with no goal in mind. 

I am so used to having some sort of end game for why I am running that it seems odd my race calendar has been totally empty for months. 

Minus this beauty, the Brew Mile, which I am sure is just perfect for my not really drinking lately self! 

I am working on having a solid base built for the if and when I can train but I really don't know what my goal will be. 

I do know after a couple years and 5 marathons + 1 ultra marathon that I am really not wanting to do that for a little while. 

Then I think I want to focus on some fall half marathons but honestly training pretty much knowing you have no hopes of a PR (1:53) is kind of sad (or is that just super competitive me being a brat?). Even in order to snag some PR's in shorter distances requires 8 min miles or so. 

I very much enjoy running and am not going to stop just because I don't have a goal in mind but it would be nice to work toward something. Lately I have felt my legs have a lot to give if only my whole body would cooperate and just let me run...without needing to run to the bathroom ;) 

I have tried to integrate more non running things into my life. I attempted to jump on the yoga bandwagon - that didn't last. I go in and out of love for group fitness classes - I think that lately is more due to not wanting to be constrained to their schedules (I've been coming into work really early lately so I can try and be out by 4 - doesn't always work that I can leave, but I try!). I just always come back to running. 

I guess any fall races will be determined by if and when I am feeling like I can actually run outside. I hate summer running and the humidity but I love that it is so good for training. 

Right now I am just embracing the miles as I run them and am hopefully soon enough I can hit that register button on a race! 

29 Miles

I know that my mood has been down lately and honestly I feel entitled to feel that way given that physically I just don’t feel like myself.

However, I am attempting to look more at the POSITIVES versus harboring on the negatives.

Case and point.

As I logged my 7.5 mile run yesterday immediately I was sitting there thinking, well only 2 bathroom stops today instead of 3 during my 6 mile run yesterday, I guess that is something.

Then I saw my tally of mileage for the week at 29 (ok, a TAD BUMMED I didn’t hit 30 and almost hopped back on the treadmill to get there).

Progress! 

Curious I looked back to see when the last time I hit that mileage was, and it was back during the week of NYCM.

After NYCM I dealt with a stress fracture and was diagnosed with Crohn’s so life has been a roller coaster since.

But you know what, I am healthy enough to have run 5 days last week, cross trained another and only took one rest day. If I was training for something that would pretty much be my training schedule. 

I might still be stuck on the treadmill (both by necessity and by straight up fear of the bathroomless outdoors) but I am running.

I might be slow as hell the majority of days, but I am still putting one foot in front of the other doing something I love.

My faith and patience have been tested as I am not having the progress with treatment that I would like. Most days I wonder if this is life, or if I just need to give it more time.

I feel like a broken records of excuses and complaints some days of being tired, wanting to sleep in my own bed etc. but the truth is it could be worse. It was worse, I experienced it.

So seeing that 29 for total miles last week I made the choice to try and see it all in a more positive light. I am by nature a VERY positive, light at the end of the tunnel, things are better than they seem type person and need to stop letting Crohn’s shit (lol) get me down.

I have another round of remicade this week so hopefully that helps plus some face time with my doctor to figure out how to tweak my treatment to get me symptom free. Because I would love that.

So here is to seeking out the positives instead of focusing on the negatives. Because seriously who needs the negatives weighing them down?

The One Where I Complain a Bit - TOL

I have never linked up for one of these Thinking Out Loud posts but I have random things on my mind and seemed like the perfect opportunity to join in the fun. Although be warned, like the title says I am going to complain.

I’m stressed lately which just annoys the hell out of me because I am pretty laid back and go with the flow for the most part.

It’s wedding season – as I am sure your IG, FB, Twitter etc. feeds remind you of every weekend. This year is just like the past couple and I have a few weddings to attend/be in.

While of course I am HONORED to be a part of the weddings of those so close to me (and they are always fun) they are bankrupting me. To the point of resentment. And then I feel like the most awful person in the world for resenting them at this happiest time of their life.

But seriously, it is getting so expensive. I make a “comfortable” living. As in, I can provide for myself, living on my own in NYC, pay my bills and do fun stuff. But throw in these wedding shenanigans and well let's just say I have had some moments of checking my bank account daily. For the past 3 years I have had to put what I want to do on hold because they eat away at my savings. And yes I know I can say no and I have; and also have said no to some away weekends because, rent and bills and single income (marriage and double income is growing on me). 

And now I feel like a more awful person. And broke. Awful and broke. Sigh.

Then there is my favorite thing to bitch about, Crohn’s. I am coming up on a remicade infusion next week but right now I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. Each day this week I have contemplated calling out sick because I am so effing exhausted. 

** Edited to note: I wrote this Tuesday - I had to call out sick today after being up all night nauseous - and never knowing if it is from something I ate or if it is the Crohn's but just could NOT get it together to get to work, my body said no. But of course have been doing work for the past 2 hours at home and currently on a call. #sotired **

But then I berate myself because being this tired for no apparent reason (okay anemia, and Crohn’s) makes me feel lazy. I don’t want to run, I want to go to my couch. But I force myself to run, because I feel like I am whining about being tired and feeling like crap and I should suck it up.

Then it gets me thinking is this life? Will I get about 4-5 weeks of feeling good every 8 between infusions? Do I just need to learn that this is as good as it gets and to just be thankful it isn’t as bad as it was Nov – Feb?

Am I sounding dramatic much?

I had a couple weeks of feeling really good and then it hit me this week in the face like a ton of bricks. And then my doctor’s office tried to put my infusion off 5 extra days because MY DOCTOR WANTS TO LEAVE FOR VACATION EARLY. Don’t even let me get started again on that one. Especially since I am not in remission.

I am really not that miserable. Finances are just tight and I am not feeling my best which annoys me.

Getting a taste of feeling REALLY GOOD for a couple weeks and then having that snatched away is disheartening.

The BF tells me how strong he thinks I am for the past 9 months or so dealing daily with not feeling well for the most part but I just feel weak for letting it get to me.

I am learning to roll with it. I had some really amazing runs when feeling more energetic that gave me hope that I someday can get back to being the runner I once was. Right now though with my energy lagging, I still am logging miles but if my body tells me 11 min miles are where it’s at, then I try to respect that – and remember at the end of the day – at least I CAN run.

So that concludes my first TOL.

If you are still with me, thank you. And seriously – I am just having a bad week and needed to get that all off my chest!

It’s almost Friday, right?

Vacation Balance

This past weekend, I spent a long weekend celebrating my sister’s bachelorette in Miami.

One of the things I like the most was that in the planning stages she requested various classes that she wanted to attend while we were there.

I am one of those people that genuinely ENJOYS working out and while yes I suffer from days where I have to kind of drag myself to it, I feel worse if I don’t move my body somehow.

And let’s be honest, when you are in Miami and rocking a bikini the majority of the day – you WANT to do some sort of workout to feel your best (or maybe that is just me…).

So luckily I was able to get in something each day.

Thursday – we all arrived late morning and went to an evening barre class at Exhale

Friday – we started the day with an early morning Flywheel class and I wound up running and lifting at night while they got their blowouts (yay for Japanese straightening, a blowout is kind of counterproductive since it does not get frizzy at all).

Saturday – repeated the same and hit up Flywheel first thing

Sunday – I was CRAVING some alone time before leaving and ran a little over 8 miles (on the ‘mill because Miami humidity and heat is already ridic at 8am).

Getting in something each day definitely had me feeling my best as I threw on my bikini! I know I don’t have a “perfect” body but, I am damn proud of the work I have done this year to try and whip it back into stronger shape.

Then for eats, each night there was a dinner planned. It was nice knowing where we were going each night to plan ahead meal wise (especially since my Crohn’s hasn’t had me feeling that great). We hit up some great spots: Lure, Katsuya and Prime One Twelve – all meals to die for!

I refrained from any day drinking the first two days and only had one at each dinner. The final day we had a cabana (we were staying at the Delano) so there was a little champagne during the day and then the night I had more than one drink ;)

Overall even though I am super tired and in post vaca coma I am happy that I was able to both stick to routine without feeling like an outsider because of it and also party it up! (I am way too old for the late nights – dinner wasn’t until 9pm each day, YAWN).

AND obviously so much fun to celebrate with my sister! 

Sister shot! 

Working On Nutrition

Happy Friday to me! 

I am taking off tomorrow and couldn't be happier. I have a few weeks of vaca accrued (because apparently I like to hoard it all and realized I am close to a month and continually accruing) and am going to begin taking some much needed longer weekends and mental health days.

But anyways, back to the point. 

This week I took a step that I have been meaning to for quite some time. I finally had an appointment with an RDN, I went to the awesome people at Nutrition Energy.

This is a three fold situation, so I walked in with these goals:

• MOST importantly - start to address if I have food intolerance's that make my Crohn's worse. I am not in remission yet (that is for another time...) but I want to start looking to food and how it might be effecting my GI system now that I am at about 80%. As I told my awesome RDN Chris, I am so used to not feeling well that I don't know if it is Crohn's at this point all the time or some food choices are exacerbating GI distress. 
• I want to lose some more weight. I have managed to get down about 12 pounds and hold steady but I want to drop more. I am not "overweight" but I know I have some fat to lose. Not number focused but want to focus on more muscle/less fat. Maybe abs? (<-- lol probably not, ever)
• Eventually turn it into performance based nutrition guidance. I know I am not doing a full this fall BUT I would like to conquer some half's and I want to fine tune training and nutrition. But this is down the road. 

And boy did he listen to EVERYTHING. After almost 2 hours together I walked out with a plan to begin. 

It is just going back to the basic and listening to my body. Really paying attention to how I feel after eating certain foods. For example he was super surprised I eat a quest bar most days because they tend to hurt the stomach. Well, me, my stomach usually "hurts" to some degree. Is it the quest bar? or is it the Crohn's? (please god don't make me give them up). 

As far as weight loss - he gave me guidelines and it is back to macros for me - at a 50/25/25 split. He also gave me in terms of "exchanges" (i.e. 1 slice of bread = 1 carb exchange) and those targets. That will take some time to get the hang of. The goal is to bring him back my food diary from 2 weekdays / 1 weekend day. And, basically will be practicing 90/10 as far as wholesome/wine (bc summer and bubbly/rose which will be that 10% ;)

On our next appointment in a couple weeks we are going to do Metabolic Rate Testing (RMR) which I am SUPER excited about. I really want to know where my metabolism is at plus I am a numbers person and want to know that daily number. 

So after a couple days what I have I learned?

Holy undereating carbs batman. As in maybe 30% of my "normal" diet is carbs. Things that probably also explain my late night hunger that leads to binges. 

Also undereating calories. Struggle bus realizing I was at 1300 on a "normal" day. He has me at 1900. 

No wonder I am probably plateauing. (okay no I am holding steady at this weight because I have def loosened the eating reigns a little; while most days yes I am undereating I make up for it on my 2-3 meals out - I am lucky I didn't gain back any pounds!)

So I am focusing on adding back in more of the good carbs, quinoa, bulgar, brown rice etc. Also going to try and stop my quest bar breakfast habit. I hate breakfast and eating early (which he also said don't force it, and always just eat when officially hungry) and the quest bar is my bargain for getting something in me. Case and point I have been up since 5:30 and 3 hours later have not eaten anything and am fine. 

So that is where I am at. I feel lucky that my insurance is pretty darn great - I get unlimited visits to work with him and I am taking advantage. 

Yes, being more on top of my nutrition will be a pain in the ass but hopefully I get better at eyeballing the macros after a couple weeks. But for now, back to my fitness pal! 

Garmin VivoFit Review

Hope everyone enjoyed their long weekend (or hopefully had a long weekend!).

Activity trackers seem to be the biggest rage these days and I avoided them for as long as I could.

But after reading so many studies and articles over the past couple years about how even though you might workout daily - and at an intense rate that you still may be too sedentary. As a marathoner this really had me thinking for a while. Yes, I workout 6-7 days a week but at the same time I work 10ish hours most days and that doesn't really bode well for a healthy lifestyle. How many of us have looked at the clock after a busy morning to only realize that it is lunch time and you haven't gotten up since you walked through the door? #corporateworkflow 

Then one day my sister posted a picture of her app she had on her phone - nothing fancy it just tracked steps - and it was free so I immediately downloaded it. 

Within a day I was definitely addicted. But my already poor iPhone 5 battery was being demolished having the app running in the background (as was the lack of being able to be freed from my phone if I wanted to track). 

So I took the plunge. I bought the Garmin VivoFit (the original not the second version, since I like to save money and I was okay with it). 

And, I am in love with it. I got it and it has not left my wrist in the past month. 

It is oh so simple. There is no charging, it syncs within seconds (via bluetooth) to your phone or computer and the interface online has a lot of potential - and it also tracks your sleep. The one downfall of the original version I will mention is no backlight. So if you are going to bed and want to press it to sleep mode you can't see. But as I have learned it is also intuitive and will realize when you aren't moving anymore and figure out when you are sleeping for the night even if you don't put it to sleep mode! So smart!

I was honestly most concerned with steps and being active every hour so I have not engaged a lot with all it can do online. 

But I have to say it has very much changed my activity level. I am cognizant of getting up and checking that darn red line that begins to grow after an hour of activity. I also find myself going on more and more walks. Even the weekends first thing I either walk for coffee or make a coffee and go for a walk (if not working out first thing).

You can see below: in the beginning my goal for steps was slightly under 8,500 per day.

Now, it has grown to over 15,000 day. 

And that was within a month.

It is intuitive in that it alters the step goal every day to adjust to your normal daily activity. 

This, is where I think it is a bit detrimental for me. My competitive attitude (with myself) sets in and I have to exceed that goal. 

By a lot. 

Obviously on one hand that is good for me, and has set some very healthy habits. On the other, it has played to my already slightly obsessive tendencies and I notice I get a bit of anxiety with "needing" to demolish the goal for the day. 

So yes, it has me walking EVERYWHERE (I haven't taken the subway in the past month I don't think or a cab) and I walk the stairs a few times a day up the 12 flights at work and then some, I get up when watching TV to move about; but on the other hand I have definitely developed an attachment to it. 

I didn't want to wear it the other night because I was going out and it just didn't "go" obviously but that gave me a little anxiety. Not a good thing. But I have a very all or nothing attitude. 

I think at the end of the day it is definitely something that people can benefit from as far as becoming more active. And even for those of us that don't have a problem being active (as in working out/training for an event etc) I think it shows you just how your activity trends during the day. You can work out and be in shape but still be too sedentary. 

Current State of Affairs

So this is a mish mosh of things in my life right now. I have had so many frustrations lately and have been trying to be zen about it but basically frustrated is the state of affairs over here.

If you know where I work then you can google it and see the headlines to know how THAT has been. Things are on the up and up but holy few weeks of turmoil.

On the Crohn’s front, things have been okay. The couple weeks before my last remicade appointment things were getting not so great again. My doctor wasn’t too concerned because the first 3 are part of the induction phase and you aren’t expected to be in remission – a lot of people (like me) just see a marked improvement. So obviously when I started getting really symptomatic again I was stressed out. It has been a week and a half since that 3rd infusion and well I was kind of an ass to my body last week (pizza, ice cream and too many beers + a wine class) so don’t know if what I am feeling is because of THAT or if we need to add back on the prednisone for a few days (although it didn't help in general last time). Time will tell. I am trying to take it in stride but god I just want to feel WELL.

Plus my newest blood panels came back and still severely anemic (as in no traces of iron – high five body) which still explains the energy lagging and my hair falling out at a rapid and concerning rate. We are addressing it but it is still annoying. It makes me feel lazy when I have a hard time and have to force myself out of bed – I know there is a medical reason to justify how I feel but I can’t help but just feel lazy.

My running still is sucking. I can’t run fast. And it is PISSING ME OFF. I am being patient. I am running 20 – 25 miles a week now but they are SLOW. And I am still too scared to really run outside.  I know that should be the least of my concerns but it just makes me sad. I know there are many logical contributing factors but god damn it I just want to be able to sustain sub 10 pace. Running makes me happy usually and THIS just makes me unhappy.

I 100% fall into the comparison trap. I see others come back from injury or a break or pregnancy or even a flare like me and they kick ass. Me? I’ve literally NEVER been this slow. Even when I was trying to lose weight way back when (and was about 30 pounds HEAVIER) I wasn’t this slow. And it makes me sad to think I may not ever run at the potential I was before. Good bye to getting back to 1:5x half’s on the regular.

Speaking of weight loss I thought that would be the magical jump start to getting speed back. I pretty easily lost 12 - 15 pounds (thus far) and am back at my old race weight.

I’m not faster.

But I do look better in my clothes? So, yay?

I know my “problems” could be a lot more but I just really want to wake up and feel GOOD. Consistently. Not just have some good days. I don’t think I will ever again take my health for granted.

And if you have stuck with the complaining this long, thanks for listening!