So this is a mish mosh of things in my life right now. I have had so many frustrations lately and have been trying to be zen about it but basically frustrated is the state of affairs over here.
If you know where I work then you can google it and see the headlines to know how THAT has been. Things are on the up and up but holy few weeks of turmoil.
On the Crohn’s front, things have been okay. The couple weeks before my last remicade appointment things were getting not so great again. My doctor wasn’t too concerned because the first 3 are part of the induction phase and you aren’t expected to be in remission – a lot of people (like me) just see a marked improvement. So obviously when I started getting really symptomatic again I was stressed out. It has been a week and a half since that 3rd infusion and well I was kind of an ass to my body last week (pizza, ice cream and too many beers + a wine class) so don’t know if what I am feeling is because of THAT or if we need to add back on the prednisone for a few days (although it didn't help in general last time). Time will tell. I am trying to take it in stride but god I just want to feel WELL.
Plus my newest blood panels came back and still severely anemic (as in no traces of iron – high five body) which still explains the energy lagging and my hair falling out at a rapid and concerning rate. We are addressing it but it is still annoying. It makes me feel lazy when I have a hard time and have to force myself out of bed – I know there is a medical reason to justify how I feel but I can’t help but just feel lazy.
My running still is sucking. I can’t run fast. And it is PISSING ME OFF. I am being patient. I am running 20 – 25 miles a week now but they are SLOW. And I am still too scared to really run outside. I know that should be the least of my concerns but it just makes me sad. I know there are many logical contributing factors but god damn it I just want to be able to sustain sub 10 pace. Running makes me happy usually and THIS just makes me unhappy.
I 100% fall into the comparison trap. I see others come back from injury or a break or pregnancy or even a flare like me and they kick ass. Me? I’ve literally NEVER been this slow. Even when I was trying to lose weight way back when (and was about 30 pounds HEAVIER) I wasn’t this slow. And it makes me sad to think I may not ever run at the potential I was before. Good bye to getting back to 1:5x half’s on the regular.
Speaking of weight loss I thought that would be the magical jump start to getting speed back. I pretty easily lost 12 - 15 pounds (thus far) and am back at my old race weight.
I’m not faster.
But I do look better in my clothes? So, yay?
I know my “problems” could be a lot more but I just really want to wake up and feel GOOD. Consistently. Not just have some good days. I don’t think I will ever again take my health for granted.
And if you have stuck with the complaining this long, thanks for listening!