29 Miles

I know that my mood has been down lately and honestly I feel entitled to feel that way given that physically I just don’t feel like myself.

However, I am attempting to look more at the POSITIVES versus harboring on the negatives.

Case and point.

As I logged my 7.5 mile run yesterday immediately I was sitting there thinking, well only 2 bathroom stops today instead of 3 during my 6 mile run yesterday, I guess that is something.

Then I saw my tally of mileage for the week at 29 (ok, a TAD BUMMED I didn’t hit 30 and almost hopped back on the treadmill to get there).

Progress! 

Curious I looked back to see when the last time I hit that mileage was, and it was back during the week of NYCM.

After NYCM I dealt with a stress fracture and was diagnosed with Crohn’s so life has been a roller coaster since.

But you know what, I am healthy enough to have run 5 days last week, cross trained another and only took one rest day. If I was training for something that would pretty much be my training schedule. 

I might still be stuck on the treadmill (both by necessity and by straight up fear of the bathroomless outdoors) but I am running.

I might be slow as hell the majority of days, but I am still putting one foot in front of the other doing something I love.

My faith and patience have been tested as I am not having the progress with treatment that I would like. Most days I wonder if this is life, or if I just need to give it more time.

I feel like a broken records of excuses and complaints some days of being tired, wanting to sleep in my own bed etc. but the truth is it could be worse. It was worse, I experienced it.

So seeing that 29 for total miles last week I made the choice to try and see it all in a more positive light. I am by nature a VERY positive, light at the end of the tunnel, things are better than they seem type person and need to stop letting Crohn’s shit (lol) get me down.

I have another round of remicade this week so hopefully that helps plus some face time with my doctor to figure out how to tweak my treatment to get me symptom free. Because I would love that.

So here is to seeking out the positives instead of focusing on the negatives. Because seriously who needs the negatives weighing them down?

The One Where I Complain a Bit - TOL

I have never linked up for one of these Thinking Out Loud posts but I have random things on my mind and seemed like the perfect opportunity to join in the fun. Although be warned, like the title says I am going to complain.

I’m stressed lately which just annoys the hell out of me because I am pretty laid back and go with the flow for the most part.

It’s wedding season – as I am sure your IG, FB, Twitter etc. feeds remind you of every weekend. This year is just like the past couple and I have a few weddings to attend/be in.

While of course I am HONORED to be a part of the weddings of those so close to me (and they are always fun) they are bankrupting me. To the point of resentment. And then I feel like the most awful person in the world for resenting them at this happiest time of their life.

But seriously, it is getting so expensive. I make a “comfortable” living. As in, I can provide for myself, living on my own in NYC, pay my bills and do fun stuff. But throw in these wedding shenanigans and well let's just say I have had some moments of checking my bank account daily. For the past 3 years I have had to put what I want to do on hold because they eat away at my savings. And yes I know I can say no and I have; and also have said no to some away weekends because, rent and bills and single income (marriage and double income is growing on me). 

And now I feel like a more awful person. And broke. Awful and broke. Sigh.

Then there is my favorite thing to bitch about, Crohn’s. I am coming up on a remicade infusion next week but right now I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. Each day this week I have contemplated calling out sick because I am so effing exhausted. 

** Edited to note: I wrote this Tuesday - I had to call out sick today after being up all night nauseous - and never knowing if it is from something I ate or if it is the Crohn's but just could NOT get it together to get to work, my body said no. But of course have been doing work for the past 2 hours at home and currently on a call. #sotired **

But then I berate myself because being this tired for no apparent reason (okay anemia, and Crohn’s) makes me feel lazy. I don’t want to run, I want to go to my couch. But I force myself to run, because I feel like I am whining about being tired and feeling like crap and I should suck it up.

Then it gets me thinking is this life? Will I get about 4-5 weeks of feeling good every 8 between infusions? Do I just need to learn that this is as good as it gets and to just be thankful it isn’t as bad as it was Nov – Feb?

Am I sounding dramatic much?

I had a couple weeks of feeling really good and then it hit me this week in the face like a ton of bricks. And then my doctor’s office tried to put my infusion off 5 extra days because MY DOCTOR WANTS TO LEAVE FOR VACATION EARLY. Don’t even let me get started again on that one. Especially since I am not in remission.

I am really not that miserable. Finances are just tight and I am not feeling my best which annoys me.

Getting a taste of feeling REALLY GOOD for a couple weeks and then having that snatched away is disheartening.

The BF tells me how strong he thinks I am for the past 9 months or so dealing daily with not feeling well for the most part but I just feel weak for letting it get to me.

I am learning to roll with it. I had some really amazing runs when feeling more energetic that gave me hope that I someday can get back to being the runner I once was. Right now though with my energy lagging, I still am logging miles but if my body tells me 11 min miles are where it’s at, then I try to respect that – and remember at the end of the day – at least I CAN run.

So that concludes my first TOL.

If you are still with me, thank you. And seriously – I am just having a bad week and needed to get that all off my chest!

It’s almost Friday, right?

Vacation Balance

This past weekend, I spent a long weekend celebrating my sister’s bachelorette in Miami.

One of the things I like the most was that in the planning stages she requested various classes that she wanted to attend while we were there.

I am one of those people that genuinely ENJOYS working out and while yes I suffer from days where I have to kind of drag myself to it, I feel worse if I don’t move my body somehow.

And let’s be honest, when you are in Miami and rocking a bikini the majority of the day – you WANT to do some sort of workout to feel your best (or maybe that is just me…).

So luckily I was able to get in something each day.

Thursday – we all arrived late morning and went to an evening barre class at Exhale

Friday – we started the day with an early morning Flywheel class and I wound up running and lifting at night while they got their blowouts (yay for Japanese straightening, a blowout is kind of counterproductive since it does not get frizzy at all).

Saturday – repeated the same and hit up Flywheel first thing

Sunday – I was CRAVING some alone time before leaving and ran a little over 8 miles (on the ‘mill because Miami humidity and heat is already ridic at 8am).

Getting in something each day definitely had me feeling my best as I threw on my bikini! I know I don’t have a “perfect” body but, I am damn proud of the work I have done this year to try and whip it back into stronger shape.

Then for eats, each night there was a dinner planned. It was nice knowing where we were going each night to plan ahead meal wise (especially since my Crohn’s hasn’t had me feeling that great). We hit up some great spots: Lure, Katsuya and Prime One Twelve – all meals to die for!

I refrained from any day drinking the first two days and only had one at each dinner. The final day we had a cabana (we were staying at the Delano) so there was a little champagne during the day and then the night I had more than one drink ;)

Overall even though I am super tired and in post vaca coma I am happy that I was able to both stick to routine without feeling like an outsider because of it and also party it up! (I am way too old for the late nights – dinner wasn’t until 9pm each day, YAWN).

AND obviously so much fun to celebrate with my sister! 

Sister shot! 

Working On Nutrition

Happy Friday to me! 

I am taking off tomorrow and couldn't be happier. I have a few weeks of vaca accrued (because apparently I like to hoard it all and realized I am close to a month and continually accruing) and am going to begin taking some much needed longer weekends and mental health days.

But anyways, back to the point. 

This week I took a step that I have been meaning to for quite some time. I finally had an appointment with an RDN, I went to the awesome people at Nutrition Energy.

This is a three fold situation, so I walked in with these goals:

• MOST importantly - start to address if I have food intolerance's that make my Crohn's worse. I am not in remission yet (that is for another time...) but I want to start looking to food and how it might be effecting my GI system now that I am at about 80%. As I told my awesome RDN Chris, I am so used to not feeling well that I don't know if it is Crohn's at this point all the time or some food choices are exacerbating GI distress. 
• I want to lose some more weight. I have managed to get down about 12 pounds and hold steady but I want to drop more. I am not "overweight" but I know I have some fat to lose. Not number focused but want to focus on more muscle/less fat. Maybe abs? (<-- lol probably not, ever)
• Eventually turn it into performance based nutrition guidance. I know I am not doing a full this fall BUT I would like to conquer some half's and I want to fine tune training and nutrition. But this is down the road. 

And boy did he listen to EVERYTHING. After almost 2 hours together I walked out with a plan to begin. 

It is just going back to the basic and listening to my body. Really paying attention to how I feel after eating certain foods. For example he was super surprised I eat a quest bar most days because they tend to hurt the stomach. Well, me, my stomach usually "hurts" to some degree. Is it the quest bar? or is it the Crohn's? (please god don't make me give them up). 

As far as weight loss - he gave me guidelines and it is back to macros for me - at a 50/25/25 split. He also gave me in terms of "exchanges" (i.e. 1 slice of bread = 1 carb exchange) and those targets. That will take some time to get the hang of. The goal is to bring him back my food diary from 2 weekdays / 1 weekend day. And, basically will be practicing 90/10 as far as wholesome/wine (bc summer and bubbly/rose which will be that 10% ;)

On our next appointment in a couple weeks we are going to do Metabolic Rate Testing (RMR) which I am SUPER excited about. I really want to know where my metabolism is at plus I am a numbers person and want to know that daily number. 

So after a couple days what I have I learned?

Holy undereating carbs batman. As in maybe 30% of my "normal" diet is carbs. Things that probably also explain my late night hunger that leads to binges. 

Also undereating calories. Struggle bus realizing I was at 1300 on a "normal" day. He has me at 1900. 

No wonder I am probably plateauing. (okay no I am holding steady at this weight because I have def loosened the eating reigns a little; while most days yes I am undereating I make up for it on my 2-3 meals out - I am lucky I didn't gain back any pounds!)

So I am focusing on adding back in more of the good carbs, quinoa, bulgar, brown rice etc. Also going to try and stop my quest bar breakfast habit. I hate breakfast and eating early (which he also said don't force it, and always just eat when officially hungry) and the quest bar is my bargain for getting something in me. Case and point I have been up since 5:30 and 3 hours later have not eaten anything and am fine. 

So that is where I am at. I feel lucky that my insurance is pretty darn great - I get unlimited visits to work with him and I am taking advantage. 

Yes, being more on top of my nutrition will be a pain in the ass but hopefully I get better at eyeballing the macros after a couple weeks. But for now, back to my fitness pal!