It's Okay, To Not Be Okay.

Yesterday, was not a good day.

Things on the IBD front have just gotten worse. I am in a holding pattern of waiting on authorizations for new medications.

Monday night was miserable – or rather par for the course. I basically wake up at some point each night after midnight and go back and forth from bed to bathroom for a few hours.

By the time I got to sleep my alarm was going off for work. As I was in the shower all I could think of was just how crappy I felt – totally drained on top of the stomach woahs. I made the executive decision to go back to bed for an hour and a half and  go into work late. It was that or fully call out sick.

The sleep did help.

Once at work I called the pharmacy to find out if my prescription was ready to find out that they still had nothing on it. Then back into the cycle of calling my doctor’s office. 5 days of this back and forth and I was done. I sadly started crying to the MA at the doc’s office.

As I am attempting to compose myself I get a call from my boss to find out that I will be taking over the duties of someone who is leaving the company since HR over the past month has not bothered to begin looking for a replacement.

Mind you this person is not even in my department.

At this point my frustration hit an all-time high and I 100% started bawling (not in front of everyone but took some alone time with my coworker).

And you know what – I felt SO much better. Back in December I had a minor meltdown when everything was unknown and my first doctor was not communicating. But since switching doctors things have been looking up and my trust in him helps my trust in getting to remission.

I guess the moral of the story is that crying doesn’t make you weak, I am always trying to put on a good front and am totally ashamed when being emotional but you know what – the past 6 months have been really fucking hard (sorry). I am in pain every day without fail. I cannot live normally and can’t plan life fully. I hear I look tired constantly and I AM tired. I know I will get better but I am in a waiting game (and banking on remicade to help when lord knows if it will).

I am not proud that my meltdown happened at work, but I am happy I just let it go finally. Holding on to that was clearly not in my best interest. I am not weaker for giving into my emotions and by the end of the day my attitude was back in its rightful happy place.

But this pretty much sums it up:

Now let’s say some prayers that I get the authorizations already and something works.