Mentally I am repeating to myself that this was a fluke.
I was prepared for this marathon.
Scouring over months of training logs proving that yes I ran the miles and did the work and sub 4 should have been in my grips. Hard, but doable.
But some times it is so hard to get out of your head. To get out of your own way. Some times our mind can play tricks on us.
Look a marathon is supposed to hurt. It will hurt. If someone tries to tell you differently, they are lying. Trust me.
That day for a while I kept trying to differentiate. I spent 33 or so painful minutes trying to figure it out. Heck I was so focused on that from the start; I never even started my music!
Was this the typical running "suck" was it just that kind of day? Did I totally luck out and was now going to struggle through the entire run?
Or was something else wrong?
In the end I choose the latter. I have an absurdly high tolerance for pain. One that usually gets me in trouble because I will brush everything off to "oh running just hurts some times". When I got to the point where I was grimacing and getting pains that would take my breath away I knew it really was the latter.
I am more or less fine now. I have been more sore and stiff this week than I have in a while but that could also be in part to the strength workout I put myself through (note to self I guess I was half assing strength for a while).
I did a long run the next day. And have hopped right back on the training bandwagon.
With a little less gusto and a little more reluctance. Okay not quite reluctance more like flat out not wanting to do shit right now. But, I am all in. In theory.
If only my brain would catch up. None of my runs have felt comfortable and have been full of doubt.
However, I am lucky in a way.
I am running NYCM in 3 weeks and Palm Beaches in 8.
I am going to use NYCM as a training run (although we do have a time goal but it's my typical long run pace more or less).
And then, if all goes according to plan I will be in Florida RACING Palm Beaches.
It is pancake flat and a smaller race so it has a lot of potential. Just pray the heat won't be too much of a factor.
So moral of the story is that I have 8 weeks to get out of my head and get that focus back that I had going into Hartford. I was SO confident I was running sub 4 it was ridiculous. I think NYCM will give me the confidence that yes I can do it. And the additional training will have me confident again on pacing.
There is a bit of me that is begrudgingly still accepting that I am not going to coast through fall anymore. But that's okay. Victory will be that much sweeter having failed first, right?
I'm going to run with that :-)